That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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