If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
