listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
