Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I wish there were birth control emojis
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
