This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
