its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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