Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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