Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
