I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
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when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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