i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
