I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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