My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
