After last night, I could never be a politician.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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