I'm lost and stupid without you.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
