He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
