Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
