So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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