remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
