yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
