You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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