There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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