News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
