I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
