filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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