so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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