I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
