Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
