A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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