Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
