the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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