god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
