Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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