Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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