Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?