so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!