I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
