My liver just broke up with me...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
