I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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