seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fuck appropriateness.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
