i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
