First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
