i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
