My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
