I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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