his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
