i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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