I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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