So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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