Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
