Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
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My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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