What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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