Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
