this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
