Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Randomize
